I was going crazy. And this is when my best friend came to my rescue. 'There are two people in the relationship, why are you focussing on just one?' She asked me

My Boyfriend’s Past Made Me Very Insecure

Dating Himmat was like a dream come true for me. I had had a crush on him for over a year before we actually started speaking to each other. He was my best friend's cousin and we would often bump into each other when I'd visit her house. I remember seeing Himmat for the first time at my friend's birthday party. He was so cool and friendly that I was instantly attracted to him, but he had a girlfriend who was also invited to the party and seeing them together did not make me too happy. 

I would often ask my friend about him and she told me that he was pretty sought after and a lot of girls had a crush on him. He had also apparently dated multiple women, and never really committed to any. That made me all the more determined to be 'the one' for him. About a year later, I DMed him on his birthday and he replied instantly. And that's how we started talking. After that he would reply to every Insta story of mine and like every post. One day he asked me out to dinner and obviously I said 'Yes'. It's been two years since that day and Himmat and I are in a steady relationship. The longest he has ever been in. And this makes me both - satisfied and insecure at the same time. 

You see, while finding out things about Himmat, I found out a bit too much about him, which was both good and bad for me. Because everything that seemed 'cool' about him, later became judgments of his character in my mind. The more we grew together, the more I would taunt him for being a 'player' or struggling to commit. He would reassure me by saying that he loved me and that this was different. But with all the knowledge I had about him, a part of me would never be able to trust him. 

My insecurities had started reflecting in the way I had started behaving around him and he would get very uncomfortable. I would want to check his phone, question him about any new girl that he mentioned or added on social media. I was going crazy. And this is when my best friend came to my rescue. 'There are two people in the relationship, why are you focussing on just one?' She asked me. 'You need to focus on yourself too. What happened to your self-confidence? Is one man enough to shake it? Himmat loves you, Preeti. And if it's meant to be, he will stay. If you behave like this, then anyone will run away!' 

My friend was right. It was time for me to work on my own insecurities. A relationship cannot be planned. It can only be experienced and enjoyed. I was behaving as if Himmat had already left me for another woman. I was letting my fears take over my beautiful present. And it took me a lot of self-convincing to actually come back to where we were, apologize to my partner and not let his past ruin our future. 

Himmat and I will complete four years next week and our parents now want us to get married. We are both open to the thought, but no one's in a rush. We are happy being together in whatever form and believe that marriage is just a formality. As for me, my experience just taught me that living in the moment and valuing the present makes life much simpler and more beautiful.

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Teesta Rajan
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