I recently met an acquaintance who shared that she and her spouse often fought when faced with making important life-altering decisions. Here’s an example. She wanted her child to attend her alma mater – she liked the value-system of the school, even though it followed a state board. The cost of education was also affordable.
Her spouse, on the other hand, wanted their child to attend a more expensive school, which followed an international board and came with superior facilities.
Each discussion ended in arguments, which were taking a toll on the relationship.
Difficult conversations are inevitable in any relationship. But how do we navigate them, so they lead to good decision-making outcomes and a high-trust relationship?
To find answers, I reached out to Manisha Singh, a seasoned coach who works extensively in the space of helping individuals explore mindsets and beliefs. Manisha is a Certified Narrative Coach from the Moment Institute, USA, with extensive coaching experience. She is also the author of the book “The Tenth Story”, which explores the journey of self-discovery of individuals who have successfully navigated challenging life situations.
In this in-depth interview, Manisha offers valuable tools and techniques that pave the way for navigating difficult conversations in relationships..
In my experience, some of the most difficult conversations are about goals – they could be about parenting, finance, taking care of elderly parents, career, social life, and even goals related to how each partner may want to relax and unwind. Fundamentally, it is about areas in life where two partners have a very different vision.
It is about our mind’s tendency to avoid pain and discomfort. We tend to delay any conversation where we anticipate friction, being put in a spot, or conversations that we may not be equipped to handle. Sometimes it is not knowing how to communicate something effectively such that it doesn’t lead to a negative outcome in that particular relationship.
Delaying difficult conversations can intensify the topic that is being overlooked. Leaving it unaddressed can lead to the other partner having to fill in the gaps and imagine the reality, which can be detrimental to the relationship. It can lead to frustration, while the opportunity to address the issue keeps slipping by.
In my opinion, the foundation of preparing for a difficult conversation rests on a clear vision of the outcome. Asking yourself questions about what would make this a meaningful conversation, helps with anchoring the discussion in a constructive space.
Here are examples of the type of questions you can ask yourself:
Thinking about what would help us stay calm, and focused ensures that we bring our best to the conversation.
It is best to ensure that we have difficult conversations at a time and in a setting that helps us stay emotionally and cognitively available to listen, process, and respond constructively.
The right mindset would be a constructive mindset – one that supports shared success. When those involved in a conversation can hold a common view of what a successful conversation would look like, we begin to support each other during the conversation. It creates space for mutual trust and respect. All the parties involved look to create outcomes that work well for everyone.
Anger, accusations, and/or stonewalling could be forms of defense mechanisms, or sometimes an intentional strategy to manipulate. I think the priority should be to not respond with anger, and to avoid further escalation.
You could consider gently asking what about the conversation is creating discomfort, and what can alleviate it so that the discussion gets steered into a constructive space. However, if that doesn’t seem like a possibility, taking a break from the conversation and resuming when both of you are in a better space, may help.
If anger, accusations, and stonewalling are patterns in conversations, seeking professional help may be required, because there could be certain fundamental issues affecting the relationship.
I would like to add that when you experience a conversation that is met with anger, accusations, or stonewalling, you may need to take care of yourself. It can be a hurtful and disturbing experience. “What do I need the most right now?” may be a good question to ask.
It could be simple things like taking some time out for a quiet walk, a cup of water, engaging in a relaxing exercise, or breathwork – any healthy way of centering oneself.
I think the most powerful tool is our body. Whenever there is a rush of emotions, we feel it in our body first, and then our mind registers it because of the bodily sensations. Paying attention to what it is that we are feeling helps us recognise the emotion – be it anger, frustration, or disappointment.
Staying tuned into our body and recognizing our emotions can help us slow down and hold back on reactions. This gives us time to choose a response by asking ourselves what would be the next best step.
What has helped me is a mindfulness technique called SNACK:
S - Stop – If a situation feels overwhelming and produces a rush of emotions, the first step is to stop and take a pause.
N - Notice – This step requires us to bring our awareness to notice what is happening right at that moment – around us and within us, and bringing our awareness to:
A - Acceptance – This step is about accepting “what is true” in that moment. Both about the situation and how we feel about it.
C - Curiosity – Bringing acceptance to the situation makes it easier to progress to the next step – which is bringing gentle curiosity to our experience, in the given situation. Two questions that I find most useful here are:
K - Kindness – This is a reminder for us to make choices that are kind to ourselves as well as those around us.
Some of the learnings that have helped me with my relationship are:
From my conversation with Manisha, here is what I am taking away. There are no easy answers to navigating difficult conversations with intimate partners. This journey is more of a marathon, rather than a sprint. But going into it with curiosity, self-awareness and some degree of preparedness can help build a foundation.
